i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
