yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
