Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
