The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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