first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
