Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
