You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
