nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
