My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
