That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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