Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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