i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
