I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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