So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
