you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
