She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
