i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
