I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
