It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
