i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
