I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
