hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
