i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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