im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
