everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
