God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
