Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
