I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
