Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
