Nicole vs. Life
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
