Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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