Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Randomize
