it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
