i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just found puke in my bra..
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
