remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
