i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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