I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
