Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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