I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
