just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
