He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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