I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i came on her dog
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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