He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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