Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
