saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
