I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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