I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
