Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
