He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
