I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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