One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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